Honestly, I first saw this as a rather insubstantial poem… (maybe that’s because you told me ahead of time you had posted some ‘mediocre’ ones, and this seemed to fit the bill.)
But now that I’ve granted it my misgivings, I am able to read it with a clear mind and have found it to be a novel little haiku. I think it’s strength is the repetition of the first and second lines. It’s like a haiku with short term memory loss… it goes around and around in circles… It proves its point by itself being an example of the point. I find that really amusing about it.
My final comment is that the word “neutered” seems strange, maybe because it can be a verb on its own but it has the verb “rendered” rendering it: neutered as a noun. I think another word like “dismembered” (which is the antonym of re-membered, which we often forget but I really like) could work better as the middle line, which ties in with the title… Dunno, just my thinking here. I think if you work on this one a little more you might end up with a hakui that does a judo flip on the reader… : )
Honestly, I first saw this as a rather insubstantial poem… (maybe that’s because you told me ahead of time you had posted some ‘mediocre’ ones, and this seemed to fit the bill.)
But now that I’ve granted it my misgivings, I am able to read it with a clear mind and have found it to be a novel little haiku. I think it’s strength is the repetition of the first and second lines. It’s like a haiku with short term memory loss… it goes around and around in circles… It proves its point by itself being an example of the point. I find that really amusing about it.
My final comment is that the word “neutered” seems strange, maybe because it can be a verb on its own but it has the verb “rendered” rendering it: neutered as a noun. I think another word like “dismembered” (which is the antonym of re-membered, which we often forget but I really like) could work better as the middle line, which ties in with the title… Dunno, just my thinking here. I think if you work on this one a little more you might end up with a hakui that does a judo flip on the reader… : )